Conquering Demons In The Pursuit Of The Dragon

Where we've been

   Week 4 has been a fairly quiet week for Blazes Training. We went out only twice as for the majority of the week I spent half the day under my duvet hiding. From what exactly, im not entirely sure. But what I am sure about is that the idea of pulling back my duvet and exposing myself to the world and facing the day felt like the most scariest thing I could do. Seeking refuge in the darkness hoping that the world would pass right by me. The more I thought about all there was to be done, the more I buried my head under my pillows, shut my eyes, and wished that the darkness would consume me. Wholly.  Swallow me up. Snatch me from this life. Wanting everything to stop. End.

Where we're going

   The Right Brain Introvert does not respond well to pressure. To the Right Brain Introvert everything feels like pressure, and it makes us freeze. The shutters come down. The only way to escape it is to hide. Hiding only makes things worse and so the pressure increase, so we hide deeper, which makes things worse, and so the pressure increases and so we hide deeper. Until you no longer even dare to look beyond your own eyelids! Or in my case your duvet. Introversion is a difficult emotion/ state of mind to explain. Probably because anyone introverted enough to empathise is also too frozen to put into words how it is they re feeling, or perhaps a better way to explain it would be to say that in actual fact, introversion is an absence, an absence of thought, feelings. Your empty. Just a shell.

Entering the woods

   Without divulging too much, and talking about inappropriate things, personal things, I guess you could say my little Right Brain Introverted brain is riddled with Demons. The way my brain is wired, memories that haunt and taunt, people and events that have warped my perspectives. This isnt a sympathy seeking "Oh woe is me!" post. It just sometimes gets really hard to stay on top of things, deal with things, function like a normal human being when your own mind can be such a self destructive place to live!

   Despite my little demons running rampant in my old sweed this week Blaze went out twice and she did really great. We went along the road all the way up the long steep hill to the pic nic area and she managed to trot more of it than she did last time. Progress. This is a ride that I started in week 2 and blogged about, I had planned to do once a week but so far have only managed it twice.
   The second ride we did we did half of the same hill, but instead of carrying up to the pic nic area we turned into the woods and did a big figure 8 up some longer hills. Lots of trotting, really getting stuck into this "next gear' we've been working in the past week. She has been doing really great and hasnt struggled with the new pace at all. Every ride we push just that little teeny bit more, just those extra few strides and she loves it. She is really enjoying being back in training. I had left it late in the day to take Blaze out but was determined to get her out nonetheless so at 6 pm when it was raining, miserable and getting dark me and Blaze were out in the woods, training, and I felt right at home.
   Weeks like this it might be really hard to stand tall, stop hiding, get up, get out and do what needs to be done. Im not going to lie, the horses and training can be more of a reason to hide sometimes but when im in that saddle everything seems free and clear.

"Horse let us borrow freedom and lend us the wings we lack"

6pm. Its getting dark. It raining. Its miserable and we're out training!